End of The Season

For some, holidays are usually the happiest time of the year. For some, it's the most lonesome mind-boggling time laden with guilt, despair and ruminating over the past. I'm kind of in between.

There's been so much stress and life-changing decisions lately. My parents' move, court hearings, losing my apartment of two years and moving to a new place. How the hell did I end up here, I ponder?

I've been in and out of a series of tumultuous relationships this year. A strange TV-producer cohabitating with his parents faraway from Manhattan, a slightly deranged Astoria-tethered high school teacher from Washington, as well as my memories of the Summer 2014 disaster.

I, sometimes, wonder, what would happen next? I've spent the past couple of month traveling back and forth between New York and Puerto Rico, enjoying the ocean and getting back to the everlasting loneliness this city has to offer. But I refuse to give up, because I feel 2017 will be full of love, opportunities, and something to look forward to.

And the journey goes on

I've finally cleared up my soundtrack from crazy techno house to smooth classic jazz. Canada guy texted me a couple of days ago. He's back in town. I suggested we meet up soon and texted him a couple of funny pics. Our second date was a blast, however, I think it's his turn now. And, of course, my text was the last one. Playing by the rules now.

Went on a date today with a cute Brazilian guy. We sat on a rooftop in Midtown sipping on cocktails. He asked if he could kiss me... It was a nice and romantic touch and a great evening. I found myself walking the streets of New York past 1am, single but not alone. Because this city got my back.

Emotional Manipulation and Overlappers

Emotional manipulation can be sometimes very hard to spot. I once dated a guy who said a bunch of crazy things and listening to my friend's advice just ignore it, he's got a little mess in his head but nothing crazy you can't deal with, I simply ignored many of the crazy things that should have been nipped in the bud. Here's a list of things I identified and complied to be wary of:

- Our first couple of weeks dating and spending nights at my place. I noticed he was using my toothbrush to brush his teeth. Eek! The next day I bought him a toothbrush and we he went to brush his teeth he said: "Oh, you got me a toothbrush? Is that because you think I'm dirty?"

- He had a rash around his thighs. He was taking yoga classes and sweating profusely and that happens, especially if you wear tight clothes. I explained to him many possible reasons for that. He said: "How often do you wash your sheets?" Not acceptable. "How often do you wash yours?", given the fact that we never hung out at his place.

- My apartment was a little bit messy one night. He entered the door: "Oh, looks like you've been expecting me!" (sarcastically). In the morning, he tried to do push-ups: "hmmm. I guess no exercise today. Your floors are kind of dirty."

- After a long day on the beach. We come back to my place, I jump into the shower and ask him to make us a couple of cocktails. I get out of the shower and notice he's totally relaxed on my couch, playing on his phone and no cocktails in sight. I ask: "Where are the cocktails?", he replies: "I'm a guest in your house. Don't talk to me like that." I make the cocktails.

- At one time I noticed the unbalanced relationship we were having in terms of him being always over at my place and my never staying over at his apartment. I voiced out my concerns in a long telephone conversation, he couldn't really come up with any solution and just wanted to end the conversation as soon as possible. The next morning I get a set of texts ranging from "I don't deserve you, you're probably right." to "All I need right now is a good friend. I am not in a very good place right now in my life." I should have ended it right there. Yet, I kept going and begging for more.

- On our last night I told him his texts were emotionally manipulative. He defended himself and turned the tables around. The next morning he dumped me unbeknownst to me. He was dating someone else and I wasn't. That was my biggest mistake.

Another couple of dates

I went on a couple of dates this week. Still thinking about that Toronto guy, something attracted me to him: his goofiness, his aloof behavior, his ability to make snide and quirky remarks. He's coming back on the 3rd and I'm waiting for something to happen. Although, my expectations may be futile, it's nice to have a little hope.

Date #1 this week was a physician assistant from PA. He seemed so nice, we instantly hit it off with a good conversation flowing until we made it to my favorite Italian place on McDougal St. Then, our conversation started to wind down bit by bit until I just wanted to get out of there. He told me he'd recently come out and I understood that I do not want to deal with his issue of sexual identity. No, thank you. I'm not going to be your therapist or your good friend. I want someone who's romantically interested in me.

Date#2 It's a perfect conversation. We talk about our families. He smiles and looks me in the eyes. We have direct eye contact throughout most of the conversation. He seems very genuine and interested. He has a nice job, he's been in NYC for 5 years and seems to love it. He has his own place and everything about him seems to scream "check, check, check!" I don't feel there's any physical attraction. I don't want to kiss him, I don't want to give him any physical touch. Is that bad? That's the first honest and free flowing conversation I've had in a long time. Yet, I don't want this guy.

Am I still getting over my break-up? Am I bringing my emotional baggage into the picture? Am I ready to date? One of my best friends recommends I take a break and start working on myself and start doing something I actually love. Time to think and maybe, indeed, take a break from the dating scene.

Two Dates and Radio Silence

So, it's been two dates so far. On our first date, we went to a nice whiskey bar I suggested. We ordered drinks and talked non-stop for almost 2.5 hours. I closed the date with a kiss and a 40-minute bus ride, simply because I did not want to take the subway with him.

There was a nice three-day pause before our second date. We met for a coffee on the UES and made our way to Central Park. There, lying on the lawn, we watched the sky and talked about our mothers. That was a very romantic touch and I totally owe it to him since he was the one who suggested it.

Him: What do you want to do next?
Me: I don't know. What about you?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Well, isn't that a good answer? (I laugh).

I invite him to a film festival in Brooklyn. We take the train, talk and laugh. The festival was amazing and we had drinks afterward. Looking at each other in a state of confused shyness. There were long pauses, yet dextrously interrupted by his goofy comments that made me sincerely laugh. On the train home, we shared funny pics on our iPhones and short laughs. I kissed him goodnight and asked him when he was coming back from Canada. I sent him a funny video the next morning I'd promised to send earlier. No reply. He's going to be gone for a week. I like him, however, I'm too scared to like someone these days when people's intentions are so unpredictable. Thoughts?

Social responsibility

In light of my past epic fail of an attempt at a relationship, I got to thinking about social responsibility. As we were walking to the City Center with my best friend a month ago, I asked her about her view on the "last conversation" preceding a break-up. My upbringing dictates a certain sense of obligation to your significant other to dignify him with a face-to-face conversation, especially if you've spent a considerable amount of time together and have lived through rough experiences. As we were turning around the corner on 53rd St, my bestie noted: "No one owes you anything." I was flummoxed, yet acquiesced. What if it's a socially responsible thing to do? Aren't there any obligations between us, as members of society? She digressed with a smirk. It got me thinking. Indeed, we do not owe anyone anything, unless they extend us the same social responsibility that we extend to them.

Date #1

He's a pizza lover. We chatted briefly on Tinder, he made a couple of lame jokes. "What are you looking for on here?" "Primarily for people to give me free pizza," he responded. The day of the date I showed up 10 minutes early at my favorite spot. We chatted energetically for the first 10-15 minutes until he slowly started deflating. He briefly texted someone, started talking about living with his ex and his ex's cat. He yawned a couple of times. I laughed and said "I'm glad you find me entertaining." He started tying his shoelaces. I got the check and we parted ways with a handshake. I ask the universe to reimburse this hour of my time.